Today was a hard shopping day. The images in my head weren’t what I was seeing in the mirror. I was finding the right pieces, but the problem was me. I didn’t “fill them out” the same way as the images.
Part of the problem is that the girl in my head is about 2 sizes smaller (18ish). But this was more specific. I mentioned last post that the Peplum style didn’t work on me; that was because of that extra spare tire; there’s the boobs, then the extra, then the tummy. The peplum style needs a slim profile from just under the boobs to where it kicks out. I don’t have that without shapewear and since I was shopping for a trip out of time on an airplane, that seemed a bad idea.
Today I was looking for a pair of maroon/purple leggings/jeggings to wear with boots. And I found them. But but rather than a straight (albeit wide) line from the crotch to the ankle, I have a bulge on the inside of each thing just above the knee. When I turned sideways my legs looked more like a leg of lamb than the straight angled line that even a lot of plus-sized girls manage to get.
Was I being overly critical? Probably. That happens sometimes.
But one of the side effects of starting this blog has been that I am seeing more ideas and thinking more about what I wear than I ever have, and the result of that was BOUND to trip my inner critic eventually.
Of course, I don’t know who I think I’m kidding. I mean, I’m fat. I’ve been fat all my life. I will be fat all my life. Wearing a pair of leggings tucked into my boots is not going to somehow make that more obvious.
But I envy a lot of the girls who are comfortable in their size and wear things that they want. I worry that when I wear things like that people will think I am 1) wearing something that doesn’t fit, 2) trying to hard or 3) just plain foolish. In fact, few people have the time to think that hard about what someone else is wearing, but what my brain knows is not always passed through to my emotions.
Tomorrow I will go back and get the pieces I was looking at. I will turn off the inner critic and focus on listening to my brain. But for tonight, I’m not feeling so great about myself.